Friday, May 21, 2010


I apologize that I have not blogged for so long. Life has been quite interesting lately, to say the least. I have written a couple of posts, that I have not posted yet, and I may not ever. But just putting the words on a page has been helpful for me. I have been making many projects, but didn't take pictures, so I don't have much to share on that front. For now, I will simply share our story. The past few weeks have been full of emotion for and anticipation, sorrow and grief.

Among our greatest desires in the world, is that we get the incredible privilege of having children and becoming a family of more than just two. For many months John and I have been trying to make this a reality. But, for many months this has not been possible. Then, finally, one day after months of negative tests and completed cycles..we got a second line. We got a positive test. Then, the next day and again the next. All
positive, all saying, yes you made a baby. Oh, what joy! Of all the months that I thought it wasn't possible, for reasons I'll leave out of this post, we made a baby. We had always agreed to wait before sharing our news with friends and family, just to be safe. So, this was our secret...our baby.

But then, as surprisingly as this joy came into our lives, it was gone.

Last Friday morning I started bleeding. I immediately called the doctor. My doctor was out of the office and the nurse was unsure of exactly what to do, since there was nothing we knew of to cause the bleeding. When she talked to another doctor in the practice, it was decided that because this was a significant amount of bleeding, not just spotting, that I needed to come in for an emergency ultrasound. They squeezed me in for an afternoon appointment. For the majority of the day, I was hopeful. I read countless stories online of people who have bleeding, but deliver perfectly healthy babies. I still chose hope.

Finally, after a whirlwind of a day, I got in for the ultrasound, and there it was.


My quiet, empty, aching womb.

Not even a little dot on the monitor. Now, because I have never gone through this process and the ultrasound tech did her very best to try to assuage any of my fears. I still chose hope. They did a couple of tests...then the doctor came in to speak to me. She said that between the blank ultrasound and tests, that I had miscarried the baby. Our baby was gone. Hope was crushed. Desire was left unfulfilled. Dreams that would never become reality. All our longings and joy that one day we would get to hold this baby were washed away. Fortunately the emptiness found in the ultrasound also meant that I did not need to have anything else done in order to 'clean-up' after the miscarriage. She said that my body was doing that itself. Also, because a miscarriage puts quite a bit of strain on the uterus, she advised us to not try to conceive for two months. It would be best for my uterus to rest and heal.

We had incredible joy...then incredible pain. And for now we grieve the loss of our baby. What can you do?
You can pray that one day the Lord will bless us with a precious baby. That one day He will grant us the desire of our hearts. And that we would be faithful to Him with that gift.
You can pray that God will comfort us during our time of grief. And that above all else, that God would be glorified through our loss. Ultimately that is what we want, for God to receive glory in our joy and in our pain.